AQUARIUS
Today you will wake up after having a nice sleep and think to yourself "Hmm...I might do that thing I said I would do if I got the chance" but upon reflection, you will scratch yourself and spend most of the afternoon not wearing pants.
PISCES
Ah, the fish. Sleek, wet Ninja's of the deep. Not at all like you. If you were a fish, you'd be the sturgeon, but a lot uglier. On the plus side though, that guy in the office you like has just gone through a painful divorce and so his standards have dropped immensely. Get him drunk enough and he may just feel you up at the next office party while he cries into his beer.
(This does not apply to my beautiful girlfriend who is amazing in every way :) x)
ARIES
The Moon is in your Uranus this weekend. Which makes a change from all that cock. You may be a slut, but my god are you good at it! Shine on, you crazy diamond!
TAURUS
Dont look now, but you have serious camel toe and you smell like the inside of a Whale's vagina. Your lucky number is 7. Someone will offer you a promotion in whatever dull, soul sucking job that you are wasting away in.
GEMINI
The most awesome star sign. You ooze sex appeal and awesomeness. Men want to be you and women want to be on you. Start every morning by demanding that everyone "come see how good you look". It will make them feel less like the miserable ingrates they are. I promise.
CANCER
Haha, you're named after a life threatening illness and your sign is a crab. God hates you.
LEO
You will do the followings this week: Sleep, eat, shower, check facebook. How am I so good at what I do? Being a psychic is like being awesome...it just flows through my veins, baby.
VIRGO
The "Virgin" HAHAAHAHAAHAAHAHAA, you? No, seriously.... only way you could be a virgin is if you're a 24 year old ginger dude, with Seven of Nine pj's who sits in his mother's basement, wearing his Cape of Kahoondor (+7 Dexterity), furiously masterbating to the un-realeased piolt to the re-booted Wonder Woman tv show.
...Oh, Oh I see....well then...... carry on.
LIBRA
You will have to make a difficult decision today.
SCORPIO
Things have been pretty boring lately. To spice things up, why not surprise your partner by dressing up in a naughty school girl outfit or sexy nurse uniform. You too, ladies.
SAGGITARIUS
This seemed like a funnier idea when I started. What? Oh right, the bullshit. Eh..... you will do something today that will make you...something something. I dont know. It involves a horse. Probebly.
CAPRICORN
You have no friends. It's because you're a dick.
*everything I have just said is bollox. Just like all astrological readings/psychics and your face.
