The Giving Lens

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Being Awesome: Ten things you need to know.

As I sit here in my pants, swigging Coke Zero from the bottle, Joe Satriani's orgasmic riffs seducing my ears, I felt compelled to share with you all what it is like to live life as a 29 year old Man-Child with no job, very little money and a metric fuck load of awesome.

"Awesome" you say? How can one such as you even know the meaning of the word? Well, it's simple really; I rule, there for I am. The trick, dear reader, of maintaining such an air of confidence (some may say arrogance) is to not let trivial things such as "reality" and "adult responsibility" get in the way of your carefully crafted self delusion. There are some simple, yet very important rules one must follow in order to achieve such a reality-spurning existence. Chief among these rules is to not let anything bother you. This is key! Letting things bother you is anathema to sustaining your brilliance.

If facts like being unemployed, hilariously immature, not having enough money to drink away the pain on a daily basis and being rejected by a shorter than average prostitute in Amsterdam just because you were stoned off your tits and wanted to try "The Helicopter" take control of you, nothing can stop that downward spiral of self-hate and depression. Luckily, reality is easily avoided if you remember to always stay at home and escape into the many dark recesses of the internet. If however you find yourself, for reasons unknown, in a social situation where someone has the audacity to question your glory it is imperative that you do one, if not all of the following things:

1) Ridicule them.
They are obviously inferior to you either intellectually and or physically. Perhaps they have an oddly-shaped nose, or a stupid hair cut. Maybe they have never spent an entire Tuesday watching consecutive episodes of  Battlestar Galactica, and as such, are not aware of the intricate subtext involving religion, philosophy and the concept of what it is to be human.

2) Flee.
Excuse yourself from said social situation so that you may go home, go online and troll videos on YouTube, thus re-enforcing your false sense of superiority.

3) Bullshit.
Claim to have read the entire A Song of Ice and Fire series of books and threaten to spoil both the books and television show for everyone unless they provide you with cake. Or possibly hookers. Or both. Mmm, hooker cake!

4) Lie about a serious medical condition.
Pretend to have a seizure so that everyone focuses on you and gives you the attention you so desperately crave while at the same time making everyone forget your awesomeness was ever called into question. Remember to really sell it. Go big or go home.

5) Be a dick.
Instigate a fight between two friends, preferably female friends. Then just sit back and watch the ensuing bloodbath. Excellent.

(Side note: remember to do your Monty Burns impression. It just doesn't have the same effect without it.)

6) Be an even bigger dick.
Tell the child of the person who dared doubt you that Jesus killed Santa Claus and as such, Christmas is forever cancelled. If said person does not have children, wait until they do. Revenge is as timeless as it is delicious.

7) Be a total Bad Ass.
Excuse yourself. Go to the bathroom. Return dressed like Snake Pliskin. Proceed to be a Bad Ass.

8) Be Cool.
Remember that one day you will have God-like powers. Make a list of everyone who doubts you and smite them when the time comes.

9) Profit!!*

10) If none of the above work, do nothing. 
Wait until you get home and write a lame blog post as the tears cascade down your face like a beautiful waterfall.

*Number 9 is also referred to as "Be cliché"