The Giving Lens

Monday, April 18, 2011

I found Jesus...

...on some toast/my window/dish cloth/cock.

Oh c'mon people, for fuck sake!!!! It's 2011. Can we stop all this ridiculous bullshit about seeing Jesus's image on random objects? Please? Also, why is it always Jesus? Why not Apollo or Isis or Ganesh? Now there's something i want to see! Some gormless headed fuck nugget with an IQ in the double digits ranting and raving about seeing an image of the elephant god on his naan bread!

Where is the fairness in these sightings anyway? Why is it always Christians who find these "miraculous" images? I know Muslims dont allow drawings of their number 1 guy, but what if he spontainiously appeared on a pop-tart? Would we even recognise him? (Due to the no drawing thing). In any case, I would pay top dollar for a stick of french bread depicting a scene of Mohammed corn-holing Krishna while Thor and Chalchiuhtlicue jerked each other off. (Aztec God of lakes and streams in case you were wondering) But no, its always the same old shit. Jesus face, Jesus face, Virgin Mary, Jesus face. Change the damn record already! Spice it up a little. Maybe a picture of Jesus surfing or fighting a T-Rex. Mary doing a strip tease, that kinda thing. Actually, since we're on the subject, why is it only pictures we get? This is the computer age. You would think that a being of omnipitent power would be able to conjure up something better than a shitty, smudgey, random grease spot on a towel that a few idiots think looks like that other ridiculous image on a very faded and centuries old towel that they keep locked away in this here fair city of Turin. Oi, JC! Cop the fuck on, man. Show us some of that voodoo that you do so well (apparently). You could turn water into wine, cure disease with a touch and come back from the dead. How about a fucking HD video thats projected onto the clouds, visible from every country on Earth? An interactive hologram that speaks and does card tricks. Get the Japanesse to help you with the techy stuff. They're good at that. Ooooh, better yet, appear in one of them plumes of smoke above the reactors in Fukashima! That'd be a laugh riot!

Just stop with the toast and the windows and the dish cloths. And stop "appearing" to mindless cretains. You did that a few thousand years ago. Dont you ever learn? Dont you want to grow and seek to better yourself?? You're always doing things in secret. Or maybe thats just your dad's schtick. Hmm, I can just imagine the day he decided it would be a good idea to announce his presence to the world: "Yes, the world shall know of me and my powers. That I, Jeff, created all of Time and Space. Now, what will be the best way to announce this? I could appear to everyone at the same time and prove conclusively that I exist. I could do it on a regular basis so nobody gets suspicious and therefor there would be absolutely no doubt! No, no. Too obvious. Oh, I know! I'll tell this man here. This illiterate pesant, in the middle of this desert, in the shit hole of nowhere, during the bronze age and get HIM to tell everyone that i'm real. And I'll only do it the once! I'll never again appear to anyone ever (unless they are totaly whacko thus ensuring no one will ever believe them.) Yes, yes that will be much more efficient and practical."

I know your father's name probably isnt Jeff, but he must have a name, and if you ask me, he kinda looks like one. How do i know? Why he appeared to me in a vison of course! Just last week in fact. I was snorkling off the coast of Koa Samui and he appeared riding a 20 foot sea horse wearing a pink tutu and a t-shirt that said "No fat chicks". Jeff was just wearing a cowboy hat. Anyway, ive gotten slightly off topic here... Just stop with the face in toast (et al) thing, yeah? If you're gonna put any pictures of anybody, anywhere, make it someone hot like Megan Fox, or Cheryl Cole or someone like that. I wouldnt say no to eating them for breakfast!

(This rant was brought to by the color peridot, the number 11 and this article: I suggest looking at the slide show. Its hilarious.)

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